Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
