I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
