He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
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when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
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Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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