Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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