I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
