who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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