Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Holy sore nipples Batman
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
