you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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