I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
