i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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