You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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