my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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