i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize