Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
