I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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