i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
