Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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