just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
