Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
