She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
