I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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