Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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