My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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