And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
