the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
