We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
