some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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