Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
