I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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