why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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