they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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