I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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