just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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