i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The uberlube is also flammable
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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