The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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