so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
