Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
