Someone shit on the floor
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
