puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
