You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
