Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Randomize
