Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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