allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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