you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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