Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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