Tell her she can't have a vagina
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
