i jhust puked up my retainher.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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