why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
