i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
