this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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