I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
