I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
