Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
