Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
